Anything I ever said about being pissed off that J was working so much!  Tonight has been a holy hell!  All he's wanting to do is sit on his ass in front of the TV all night.  Not trying to make up for lost time with the kids he's missed all week.  Nothing.  He bought 2 packs of smokes when we went to the gas station this afternoon at like 1:30.  He's managed to make it thru all but like 8 of those!!  He's been going around creating excuses to run outside for this or that or something else.  Anything he can use to get outta here for 15-20 mins at a time.  Not to smoke but to just get away from us.  I'm extremely pissed off at the moment.  I've told him the next time his boss decides to give him a day off he needs to ok it with me first! LOL! 

     He did make supper but WOOHOO!  He made something that he knew I wouldn't cook if he didn't.  He's been treating the kids like shit all day.  He's been cussin them and just acting like a snotty little bitch!  I'm about ready to slap him!  He ran out a min ago and Alex asked him when he came in where he went.  He looked at her with this childish little snot face on & said "I can go away and never come back if that's what you want!".  I shouldn't say he 'said' it because it's more like he yelled it at her. She asked when she came inside for the night where I was, & if I was playing with Leland.  With the same little snotty tone he replied, "no alex, lelands in his room playin with the fuckin moon.".  I mean where in the hell is all this hostility coming from?  Is he that irritated at being off tonight?  Well he for sure is NOT the only one.  I hope to got his boss will be able to get him in there to work tomorrow night, so I don't have to go thru this again tomorrow! 

     I've really gotten used to having the kids here by ourselves every night.  It's loud and crazy, and I usually have a killer headache at the end of the night, but it's our time.  Time we spend together doing what we like to do.  I spend the time playing in Lelands room with them (since his room has all the toys then we take our walks and do homework, dinner, baths, and so forth.  I've complained about it, but those nights are a hell of a lot less stressfull than tonight!  Just being around J sometimes stresses me out.  Just lookin at him can piss me off for no reason at all.  I guess it's true that the 'magic' has def passed from our relationship.  Most the time I just want to hit him.

     I can't wait to get this renovation project done on my room.  That will give me my own personal space to unwind & relax.  Just get away from all of this before my OCD catches up with me & I have a complete breakdown from all this shit!  I can almost feel my mind slipping out of my skull lol!  Sometimes I wish it was just me & the kids.  Sure somedays are crazy and hectic and spiral out of control.  But I just seem happier I think.  When I don't have to look or be around J, I feel better.  I feel like myself.  I'm gonna start looking into my options again I think.  Who knows where that'll go.  We'll see.  I'll be going to the library and checking out some books on filing my own divorce.  I want to get this over and done with.  Be done with it all.  Anyway, I'm gonna get off here & get Alexs homework done for today!