Started out as a pretty good day.  Not doin a whole lot.  Decided that we'd walk up town early since we had to go to Alexs school to make sure she made it to her GS meeting.  Our landlord passed by as we were on our way & said that if we don't have the full $425 by next Tuesday, we'll be getting an eviction notice.   If that doesn't bite ass!  There is no way in hell we can come up with that much money in a week.  That's crazy!  I doubt we could even come up with half of it!  I can't believe J didn't pay the rent this month & told me he did .  I could just slap him.  To have to uproot our kids again & go thru this shit is ridiculous!

     So we started brain storming on what we were going to do.  The best we can come up with is to stay in the efficiancy apts here in town.  It's basically a motel that got converted.  I mean it's $500 a month everything paid.  There is literally NOTHING else available in this town.  The economy has everyone hanging on to what they've got.  No one is wanting to move.  Least of all ME!  I can't stand the idea of packing everything up again...I freakin hate moving!!!  We want to stay in this school district so we don't have to uproot Alex in the middle of her Kindergarten year.  It's an important year for her.  At all cost I want to keep her in the school district. 

     Now since there doesn't seem to be anything we can do about the current rent situation.  We decided that we might as well ride out the eviction notice for the full 30 days & stick our money into getting a damn vehicle next month.  This walking in the cold shit is for the bears!  We can't stay without a vehicle all winter long.  Also, as soon as Alex gets outta school for the summer, if nothing else has become available around here, we'll just move back to Moberly/CoMo area.  I almost hope something opens up here because I really hate the idea of, like I said, uprooting my kids from the place they've become comfortable.  Alex has friends here.  Hell Leland has friends here.

     Girl Scouts went well .  She gets her candy order form the Thurs before Halloween..so that's the 30th I think?  It doesn't start until the 1st of Nov. (on her "honor" she won't start selling before then ) & it last only until the 8th!  8 days!  That's all she gets!  Crazy uh?  I can't believe that.  They better give her more days than that to sell cookies for sure!  I can't wait to do that with her.  I used to be the top seller every year!  All her relatives better buy from her to lol.  Yes, I'm talkin to you girl! You know who you are!  Believe that I'm gonna be hittin you up for sure!  That's all for now.  I'll keep ya'll updated on the rest of the story as it plays out .

     Football was great today!!  I can't believe that my Rams won!  Against Dallas no less who's having a KILLER season!  They stomped 'em to!  I think the score was 34-7!!  I couldn't be more thrilled.  Unfortunalty, Mizzou lost to Texas yesterday.  That sucks.  Texas railroaded 'em.  It's all good.  It's only the 2nd game they've lost all season & next weekend is Homecoming!  I can't make it to that game, but I got my eye on the game Nov. 8th!  WooHoo!  I'm so excited!  I really hope we have the funds to go cause I haven't made it to a game in 2 seasons!  I seen on the news the other night that SuperBowl tickets were going for something like $2000!!!  I looked at J and said, "Well, I guess we won't be attending any superbowls anytime soon!".  I'm not about to pay that much for a football game!  Hell the sodas there are probably $15! LOL! 

     Anyway, weigh in today was a bomb!  I mean a major B-O-M-B!  I gained 6lbs this week!  I was stunned.  I guess I shouldn't be because I sure didn't do a damn thing right this week.  I ate whatever the hell I felt like, & due to my being ill, I didn't get my walking in as much as I usualy do.  So this week I'm kicking it into MAJOR high gear!  Next week will be a much better way in!  Those 6lbs better be gone along with 6 more!!  GRRR!  Makes me so mad to gain all that weight, and have to RELOSE the shit!  So I'm going on a 7 day & see if it'll help.  I'm sticking to it this time to baby!!  Best believe I will not post another humiliating gain next week on my support group!  Everyone had a killer week but me!  How embarressing.  Makes it look like I'm not as serious about this as I am!  I'm gonna totally redo my entire diet & excercise routine.  I'm going to sit down tonight & come up with a whole new game plan.  First thing, I'm sending my BBC back.  It's not really what I thought, & I'm not really all that into aerobics.  I'm going to invest in something that I know I'll use everyday.  Like equipment!  An elliptical, a balancing ball, & a BODYBUGG!!  I'm going to keep my diet journals faithfully & write down EVERYTHING that passes these lips...ok ok not everything but you know what I mean perverts! LOL!

     Didn't get my walk in today even though it was beautiful.  I got a little one in this morning to the gas station & back.  About a mile.  Not much.  I will get my crunches in tonight though!  I really enjoyed doing them last night, & the burn this morning was off the chain!  Loved it!!!  I'm going to attemp the upper body BBC DVD tonight as well.  I don't know how far I'll get.  Last night I was doing good to get past the damn warm up.  I swear to you, they said to do jumping jacks for a min..I think I made it to 3....jumping jacks!  It's a wonder I didn't give myself a black eye!  Can you say SPORTS BRA!!!  Ya I def need to put that on my shopping list!  A very sturdy one!  I may need to buy one for my ass too cause that thing was jumpin more than my boobs!  I thought, what in the hell is that jumping up and slapping my back...oh it's just my ass.  LOL!

     Well, bloggers!  I'm off to finish up the supper dishes & get the kids settled down for bed!  Leland fell out in his highchair.  Fingers crossed that he stays that way the rest of the night so I can just put him straight in bed hehe!  Alex has Girl Scouts tomorrow!  Her first so I'll be sure to let ya'll know how that goes!!!  TTYS!!!

     I've decided that I'm going to start some "me time".  Stop focusing on all that's going on around me & focus on bettering myself.  Getting my life on track & in order.  Doing things for me.  Doing things that make me happy.  Seems like for months now, maybe years, I've been so concerned with making those around me happy & impressing them.  Why?  Why do I bother I wonder when my happiness is the very last thing on their minds.  So I figured, the only one whos going to worry about my happiness is me.  I've been so stressed out.  The cold weather & having a cold hasn't really helped matters much.  It's financially as usual that my stress is centered.  I'm always stressin over money & bills.  I think most people are but most people don't have a man that lies to them about what bills are paid & which bills aren't.  *grr*

     My kids are happy I think.  That's obviously important to me.  Anyone else, nope sorry, not really my concern.  Wanna know why?  Refer to the 1st paragraph.  Depend on no one else to give you what you want.  If you want to be happy than make yourself happy cause this smile machine is outta business.  That's not to say that I'm just going to alienate everyone who's been so supportive of me.  I'm just saying that I need to focus on making myself happy for now.  This summer was one of the best, & also most stress filled of my entire life.  I was diagnosed as mildly bi-polar (whatever that means) & clinically depressed.  With extreme OCD! LOL!  Go figure.  I've always known that I'm OCD.  I was diagnosed as ADHD around 15 & I know that it's Adult ADD now.  Contributes to the OCD.  I'm just a mental mess uh? 

     Well, I need to get off here and get something out for the kids who are going to be just "starving to death" here shortly lol!  Hope everyone is having a wonderful, beautifull weekend!!

     Today went good.  Didn't have near the arguements and shit that we had last night.  Thank goodness cause my blood pressure was really getting up there!  Alex had a ball on her field trip!  She said that she doesn't get to bring her pumpkin home until Monday cause they had to paint them when they got back.  I thought that was a very creative idea.  When we walked up town the other day, we noticed her classes art projects hanging in the store window.  Just another reason I love living in a small town.  I mean, I doubt inner city kids see their art work hanging up at walmart right?  Not that I'm doggin inner city kids...I was one so believe me I know how it goes.  I'm just glad to be raising our kids in a town so devoted to the district & community in general. 

     You can really feel winter on the way outside.  It's colder than a well diggers ass out there!  Alex & I went on a walk thru the park.  Watched them get set up for the civil war reenactment they're getting ready to perform this weekend.  That'll be exciting!  The civil war played a major part in the founding of this town so they make a big deal out of it.  They had the big Lincoln - Douglas debate reenactment last weekend in Qcy.  I wish we could've gone.  It looked like so much fun in the advertisements.  Probably a bit chilly out for tomorrows production though.  We've already had our heat on every night for the past week.

     Well bloggers, it's almost 1 in the morning, so I'm gonna hit it for the night.  Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

     Anything I ever said about being pissed off that J was working so much!  Tonight has been a holy hell!  All he's wanting to do is sit on his ass in front of the TV all night.  Not trying to make up for lost time with the kids he's missed all week.  Nothing.  He bought 2 packs of smokes when we went to the gas station this afternoon at like 1:30.  He's managed to make it thru all but like 8 of those!!  He's been going around creating excuses to run outside for this or that or something else.  Anything he can use to get outta here for 15-20 mins at a time.  Not to smoke but to just get away from us.  I'm extremely pissed off at the moment.  I've told him the next time his boss decides to give him a day off he needs to ok it with me first! LOL! 

     He did make supper but WOOHOO!  He made something that he knew I wouldn't cook if he didn't.  He's been treating the kids like shit all day.  He's been cussin them and just acting like a snotty little bitch!  I'm about ready to slap him!  He ran out a min ago and Alex asked him when he came in where he went.  He looked at her with this childish little snot face on & said "I can go away and never come back if that's what you want!".  I shouldn't say he 'said' it because it's more like he yelled it at her. She asked when she came inside for the night where I was, & if I was playing with Leland.  With the same little snotty tone he replied, "no alex, lelands in his room playin with the fuckin moon.".  I mean where in the hell is all this hostility coming from?  Is he that irritated at being off tonight?  Well he for sure is NOT the only one.  I hope to got his boss will be able to get him in there to work tomorrow night, so I don't have to go thru this again tomorrow! 

     I've really gotten used to having the kids here by ourselves every night.  It's loud and crazy, and I usually have a killer headache at the end of the night, but it's our time.  Time we spend together doing what we like to do.  I spend the time playing in Lelands room with them (since his room has all the toys then we take our walks and do homework, dinner, baths, and so forth.  I've complained about it, but those nights are a hell of a lot less stressfull than tonight!  Just being around J sometimes stresses me out.  Just lookin at him can piss me off for no reason at all.  I guess it's true that the 'magic' has def passed from our relationship.  Most the time I just want to hit him.

     I can't wait to get this renovation project done on my room.  That will give me my own personal space to unwind & relax.  Just get away from all of this before my OCD catches up with me & I have a complete breakdown from all this shit!  I can almost feel my mind slipping out of my skull lol!  Sometimes I wish it was just me & the kids.  Sure somedays are crazy and hectic and spiral out of control.  But I just seem happier I think.  When I don't have to look or be around J, I feel better.  I feel like myself.  I'm gonna start looking into my options again I think.  Who knows where that'll go.  We'll see.  I'll be going to the library and checking out some books on filing my own divorce.  I want to get this over and done with.  Be done with it all.  Anyway, I'm gonna get off here & get Alexs homework done for today!